The last month has been a difficult road.
The first time we began our D/s relationship I was eager and I knew that it was something I desired. Thus, we jumped in with both feet. There was no room to think, only to feel. We flourished until that fateful day that trust was shattered.
This second time around the D/s was approached as something I was not sure I wanted. This time, there was much thinking and therefore, room for doubt. Every negative thought I've ever had about the lifestyle came to the surface and consumed me. So, when we would try to take small steps forward I would suddenly panic and take several steps back. Sir began to worry that the lifestyle was something I no longer wanted. I worried that I was no longer capable of being a submissive. Several tears were shed and there was a lot of soul searching. After one particularly difficult morning I reached my conclusion.
We had been doing more talking about the D/s this time around and less acting on it. I told Sir that I thought we needed to once again jump in with both feet and immerse ourselves in it. That way, it couldn't leave room for me to think and get lost in my own head. I just needed to feel.
So far, it's been working. I am feeling like a submissive again, Sir's Good Girl. Is it the end of the struggle?
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Abuse of Power
Last night something happened that I'm not too happy about.
He abused his power.
He had promised to read the most recent blog post and comment while I was at an appointment. After the appointment I checked and there was no comment. So, I asked if he had read it yet. He said that he had but hadn't gotten around to commenting. My only response was, "Oh." All of a sudden he went Dom on me to try and elicit a behavior he desired, because apparently, he thought I was mad that he hadn't responded. Even if I had been mad that was a blatant abuse of power.
Rather than simply say, "I know I promised to read and respond, but I got busy with work. I'm sorry." I get Mr. Dom telling me what I will and will not do! I'm not a puppet for him to pull strings to do what he wants me to do.
My sub does not like his Dom very much right now, and I am detesting his Dom immensely.
How can he expect to rebuild trust when he abuses his power?
He abused his power.
He had promised to read the most recent blog post and comment while I was at an appointment. After the appointment I checked and there was no comment. So, I asked if he had read it yet. He said that he had but hadn't gotten around to commenting. My only response was, "Oh." All of a sudden he went Dom on me to try and elicit a behavior he desired, because apparently, he thought I was mad that he hadn't responded. Even if I had been mad that was a blatant abuse of power.
Rather than simply say, "I know I promised to read and respond, but I got busy with work. I'm sorry." I get Mr. Dom telling me what I will and will not do! I'm not a puppet for him to pull strings to do what he wants me to do.
My sub does not like his Dom very much right now, and I am detesting his Dom immensely.
How can he expect to rebuild trust when he abuses his power?
Sunday, March 11, 2012
The Next Steps
What do you do when trust has been shattered? You take small steps forward.
He wants to rebuild my trust and I've agreed to try and allow that to happen. It's not easy. I'm a strong willed, feisty woman and when my mind is set its hard to change it. So why have I agreed to try? Because I love him.
Love is a strong foundation. Sure, there have been jackhammers relentlessly trying to chip away at it, but it still holds firm. Deep beneath, and unyielding.
Unyielding- Much like my stubbornness. However, having time away from each other has given me the time I need to think. Yes, that stubborn personality of mine wants to fight to the ends of the earth, but my heart occasionally steps forward and causes me to revise my perspective.
So, that's what we are doing. Taking small steps and essentially beginning our D/s relationship anew. I have not been making it easy on him. Asking many questions and making him think. Can I ultimately do this again? I don't know.
We'll see where the next steps lead us.
He wants to rebuild my trust and I've agreed to try and allow that to happen. It's not easy. I'm a strong willed, feisty woman and when my mind is set its hard to change it. So why have I agreed to try? Because I love him.
Love is a strong foundation. Sure, there have been jackhammers relentlessly trying to chip away at it, but it still holds firm. Deep beneath, and unyielding.
Unyielding- Much like my stubbornness. However, having time away from each other has given me the time I need to think. Yes, that stubborn personality of mine wants to fight to the ends of the earth, but my heart occasionally steps forward and causes me to revise my perspective.
So, that's what we are doing. Taking small steps and essentially beginning our D/s relationship anew. I have not been making it easy on him. Asking many questions and making him think. Can I ultimately do this again? I don't know.
We'll see where the next steps lead us.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Shattered Trust
What do you do when your trust and faith is shattered into a million pieces?
What do you do when your heart has been broken?
What do you do when the one person who you trusted most in this world has let you down?
What do you do when the one who was supposed to protect you, failed you?
After five days I'm still asking myself these questions and I am no closer to any answers. I wonder if trust can be rebuilt. But when you so completely give yourself over to another it is difficult to trust again after it has been shattered.
Does it matter what was said or done that caused you to break? Yes and no. What matters most was that he didn't follow through with what he promised. He was supposed to protect me and he failed. He has not physically or emotionally hurt me or intentionally violated my trust. What happened was not even about the D/s part of the relationship. Yet it all eventually entwines.
Where do I go from here? I do not know. My heart hurts and I feel that I do not want to open myself up so completely to another again. It was something I've always struggled with, fearing of exposing my vulnerability. I was vulnerable and got hurt because of it. I cannot be that way again.
Who am I? I am shattered.
What do you do when your heart has been broken?
What do you do when the one person who you trusted most in this world has let you down?
What do you do when the one who was supposed to protect you, failed you?
After five days I'm still asking myself these questions and I am no closer to any answers. I wonder if trust can be rebuilt. But when you so completely give yourself over to another it is difficult to trust again after it has been shattered.
Does it matter what was said or done that caused you to break? Yes and no. What matters most was that he didn't follow through with what he promised. He was supposed to protect me and he failed. He has not physically or emotionally hurt me or intentionally violated my trust. What happened was not even about the D/s part of the relationship. Yet it all eventually entwines.
Where do I go from here? I do not know. My heart hurts and I feel that I do not want to open myself up so completely to another again. It was something I've always struggled with, fearing of exposing my vulnerability. I was vulnerable and got hurt because of it. I cannot be that way again.
Who am I? I am shattered.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
The Dungeon
Holy shit! The Dungeon...
It was our second time to visit and again I was left in awe. Our first time had been in the parlor room, which was a rather small room that lacked on equipment quantity. Basically it had a spanking bench and ceiling restraint. The room was lovely and was actually perfect for our first visit. Sir and I were still building trust and had not done much "playing." Much of our first Dungeon visit was spent with aftercare. Sir always wanted to make sure I was okay and felt safe. (He is such a wonderful Dom.)
We are much further into our D/s relationship and I have progressed rather far. (Though I guess that's really rather for Sir to confirm.) So, on this Dungeon visit we reserved the grand hall. The room, at 1,000 square feet with 25 foot ceilings, is much larger than the parlor. Not only is there more room to play, but there is much more equipment...a St. Andrew's cross, spanking bench, barber chair, suspension cage with electric hoist, another suspension apparatus with electric hoist and a floor cage. There was also a stock, but neither of us seemed particularly inclined to try that little gem out.
From the moment we got there it was amazing! We were actually greeted by the Head Mistress, who was quite lovely. After showing us around and bringing us a few items that Sir requested, he proudly showed her his new rose flogger. I couldn't help but quietly giggle over Sir's excitement.
This dungeon session was much different than our previous visit. Aftercare only was needed at the very end. I was eager to continue on playing, which was evident from my smile that became increasingly difficult to conceal. I cannot say that I had one favorite thing. They each equally held different benefits that were all wonderful. And do not knock being in a cage until it happens to you and you are gazed upon with eyes filled with admiration and adoration.
If I had to use one word for my experience: Freeing...
It was our second time to visit and again I was left in awe. Our first time had been in the parlor room, which was a rather small room that lacked on equipment quantity. Basically it had a spanking bench and ceiling restraint. The room was lovely and was actually perfect for our first visit. Sir and I were still building trust and had not done much "playing." Much of our first Dungeon visit was spent with aftercare. Sir always wanted to make sure I was okay and felt safe. (He is such a wonderful Dom.)
We are much further into our D/s relationship and I have progressed rather far. (Though I guess that's really rather for Sir to confirm.) So, on this Dungeon visit we reserved the grand hall. The room, at 1,000 square feet with 25 foot ceilings, is much larger than the parlor. Not only is there more room to play, but there is much more equipment...a St. Andrew's cross, spanking bench, barber chair, suspension cage with electric hoist, another suspension apparatus with electric hoist and a floor cage. There was also a stock, but neither of us seemed particularly inclined to try that little gem out.
From the moment we got there it was amazing! We were actually greeted by the Head Mistress, who was quite lovely. After showing us around and bringing us a few items that Sir requested, he proudly showed her his new rose flogger. I couldn't help but quietly giggle over Sir's excitement.
This dungeon session was much different than our previous visit. Aftercare only was needed at the very end. I was eager to continue on playing, which was evident from my smile that became increasingly difficult to conceal. I cannot say that I had one favorite thing. They each equally held different benefits that were all wonderful. And do not knock being in a cage until it happens to you and you are gazed upon with eyes filled with admiration and adoration.
If I had to use one word for my experience: Freeing...
Monday, January 9, 2012
I only see you.
The planet earth is 26,000 miles around, at the equator, and inhabited by over 6 billion souls. Yet, I find that when I am with My Good Girl, the entire world shrinks to the few feet of space that we are sharing. The entire world disappears and all I see is her. No matter the situation. Could be a walk, watching a movie or while flogging her, does not matter. The rest of the world ceases to exist for me and this entire world consist of only her. I love My Good Girl, so when I say she is the world to me, I truly mean it. She is the entire world to me.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
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