Abuse of Power

Last night something happened that I'm not too happy about.

He abused his power.

He had promised to read the most recent blog post and comment while I was at an appointment. After the appointment I checked and there was no comment. So, I asked if he had read it yet. He said that he had but hadn't gotten around to commenting. My only response was, "Oh." All of a sudden he went Dom on me to try and elicit a behavior he desired, because apparently, he thought I was mad that he hadn't responded. Even if I had been mad that was a blatant abuse of power.

Rather than simply say, "I know I promised to read and respond, but I got busy with work. I'm sorry." I get Mr. Dom telling me what I will and will not do! I'm not a puppet for him to pull strings to do what he wants me to do.

My sub does not like his Dom very much right now, and I am detesting his Dom immensely.

How can he expect to rebuild trust when he abuses his power?

The Next Steps

What do you do when trust has been shattered? You take small steps forward.

He wants to rebuild my trust and I've agreed to try and allow that to happen. It's not easy. I'm a strong willed, feisty woman and when my mind is set its hard to change it. So why have I agreed to try? Because I love him.

Love is a strong foundation. Sure, there have been jackhammers relentlessly trying to chip away at it, but it still holds firm. Deep beneath, and unyielding.

Unyielding- Much like my stubbornness. However, having time away from each other has given me the time I need to think. Yes, that stubborn personality of mine wants to fight to the ends of the earth, but my heart occasionally steps forward and causes me to revise my perspective.

So, that's what we are doing. Taking small steps and essentially beginning our D/s relationship anew. I have not been making it easy on him. Asking many questions and making him think. Can I ultimately do this again? I don't know.

We'll see where the next steps lead us.

Shattered Trust

What do you do when your trust and faith is shattered into a million pieces?
What do you do when your heart has been broken?
What do you do when the one person who you trusted most in this world has let you down?
What do you do when the one who was supposed to protect you, failed you?

After five days I'm still asking myself these questions and I am no closer to any answers. I wonder if trust can be rebuilt. But when you so completely give yourself over to another it is difficult to trust again after it has been shattered.

Does it matter what was said or done that caused you to break? Yes and no. What matters most was that he didn't follow through with what he promised. He was supposed to protect me and he failed. He has not physically or emotionally hurt me or intentionally violated my trust. What happened was not even about the D/s part of the relationship. Yet it all eventually entwines.

Where do I go from here? I do not know. My heart hurts and I feel that I do not want to open myself up so completely to another again. It was something I've always struggled with, fearing of exposing my vulnerability. I was vulnerable and got hurt because of it. I cannot be that way again.

Who am I? I am shattered.